Respecting the Luteal
How I authentically show up throughout my cycles
(Written last cycle)
Have you ever approached a community dinner that you initiated with
“I’m going to be transparent,” concerned faces reflecting back to you and all “I am going to bleed any day now, and I have been crying pretty much all day. So I’m feeling a little tender and I’m going to show up the best I can.”
I never have, until tonight.
Granted, this wasn’t my blood family or people who have completely diverse lifestyles to me, which made it a lot easier to show up in this transparency. But this had me reflecting; what if it were my grandmother, and my patriarchal uncle, and my two younger sisters who are barely just understanding the concept of a menstrual cycle? What if I showed up and said this to my grandfather who suppressed women’s expression so greatly that it often led to physical abuse?
Today has been highly emotional for me.
I am ending my day in a bathtub inspired by my extreme lows.
I don’t mean to glorify suffering, but holy shit can magic come from it. When I say this, I am not suggesting anyone seek out inner conflict for the satisfaction of the resolve, or the incredible songs and poetry that birth from it. Rather, I’m inviting a reminder for myself and those who need this right now, to find acceptance in the lows knowing it’s in those knitty gritty wells of hurt, fear, self-doubt, and concern where we are faced with such mystery, so much unknowing, that we have absolutely no choice but to believe there is something greater on the other side of it. After all, isn't that what ultimately grants us our will to, well, continue living?
Many very simple moments triggered an emotional response for me today. Such as: seeing my partner smile at a beautiful girl in the cafe; my bandmate reflecting a personal challenge; my partner putting his hand on my stomach, which was a reminder for me that today I would’ve been seven months pregnant, had I chosen to agree to those terms. I cried, and cried, and cried. Until I was so dehydrated my vision got blurry. My face was swollen and let’s be honest, there was no hiding that all day cry kind of look. I was drained. Yet I had a commitment.
A week ago I sent out a group text to all of the beautiful humans living on the farm I am currently on, suggesting a group dinner on Friday night. I chose this night intentionally, knowing that my partner would be off work during the day and we would have time to make a big pot of soup together for everyone (his love language is making food for big groups of people so I wanted to let him in on the fun). I had a very fleeting moment of awareness upon making the plan for Friday that I would be in my luteal phase. It’s just dinner and some light conversation, I should be fine I thought. Yet I wasn’t quite in my luteal when I suggested it, and even though this isn’t my first rodeo, I always forget the intensity of how it can be until I’m deep in it. And yet it isn’t always the same, some months are harder than others, and this month happened to be a dense one. For me, the most taxing part of my menstrual cycle is the luteal phase. It isn’t until the blood starts leaving my body that I feel a wave of relief and ease. I know many women who resonate with this.
As the day continued on, I was absolutely succumbed and enveloped in all of my emotions, particularly self judgement:
I am not a good friend.
Why am I getting defensive toward this person, what does the say about me?
What am I trying to prove?
Why do I need validation?
Why am I so critical of myself and others?
Why am I triggered so easily? and why does my communication suck ass?
I’m the fucking worse.
It was gnarly. I wanted nothing more than to crawl right the hell out of my skin.
Generally, I adore life. Purpose fills my bones and I am consumed by creative projects, book I want to read, ideas I want to convey into words through writing, musical shows I want to go to, excitement for nightly cuddles with my beloved.
But when I experience lows… it’s really low. No matter how many tools I have acquired through meditation, yoga, dancing, tai-chi, music, writing, etc.. I can’t seem to pull myself out of it.
So I chose to just show up in it, exactly as I am. And to be open about that right off the bat. Ideally, I am so good at scheduling and tracking my cycle down, that I have spaciousness for my feelings in these (g)luteal times. But cycles change once in awhile, and my band planned a show this weekend months in advance, so how was I to know? Sometimes I have to go to class. The unfortunate reality is the world keeps on spinning even when the blood of life pours out of our bodies, at least in the western american society I live in. However, I am not here to complain too much about the patriarchal functionality of western living, rather than invite awareness for any women who find that often times they are feeling an awful lot, and the world continues spinning at an astronomical speed. Sometimes we have to flow with it, and if we track our cycles, we can at least empower ourselves to the best of our ability to have gentleness and understanding with ourselves while in a certain phase. Maybe that looks like catching yourself holding your breath while washing dishes, and letting it out. It might look like uncontrollably crying on the couch while watching NPR tiny desk videos on YouTube, unsure of why exactly you’re crying, but reminding yourself that your body’s hormones are in fluctuation right now which has a big effect on your emotional state. And maybe that looks like showing up to your community dinner and saying “Hey, I am going to start bleeding any moment. I have been crying all day, and am feeling very sensitive. That’s where I’m at, but I showed up and I’m looking forward to connecting.”
Women, I would love to hear about how you connect/relate to your menstrual cycle. Do you slow down, intentionally avoid plans, or straight up cancel plans? Those that don’t experience a menses, how do you show up for women when they are in their luteal and bleed? Do you widen your scope of patience and understanding to just hold them in a moment of grief or sadness (with no explanation)? Please let me know!
I’ve attached a photo of the phases of the menses cycle below for those who are unfamiliar!
With vulnerability,
Turiya
P.S. I had a great time at dinner! We had lamb stew, dolmas (made using grape leaves from the garden), potatoes, and baklava. Much laughter was had and I realized that when I was able to show up how I was, and be accepted in that, it actually allowed for my heart to open up more for me to enjoy myself. I ended up very happy that I chose to show up in community even after such a rough day. My prayer is for everyone to find community and connection that they can be raw with. <3
